I love my job

Posted: November 16, 2011 in True Story

So two Thursdays ago at around 1:00pm this guys comes into my store. He wanders around for a bit and I do the whole “If you need anything let me know” schtick and we both go about our business. He looks at the Magic singles in the case and eventually makes up his mind and spends around sixty bucks on some random cards. He seemed a little odd like he never made eye contact and he seemed nervous but we deal with gamers every day. People who act weird are kind of our bread and butter. He was about 6’1” or so and wore the redneck uniform. Dirty jeans, Marlboro jacket and some kind of hat that had never been cleaned. He leaves and a few minutes later we notice that he had left a D ring notebook full of Magic cards on the table. This happens on occasion so we didn’t really think anything of it. An hour or so later the guy comes back in, sees his binder on the table where he left it and says loudly and kind of angrily “Thanks for not stealing my binder!” We were a little taken aback but ignored the odd outburst. The guy sits down at a table and starts looking though his binder, I assume to see if anything had been stolen. He pulls out a $15 card and stares at it. For ten solid minutes. He then rips it to pieces, tosses it in the trash and walks out. Strange? Yes, but nowhere near the strangest thing we’ve had people do so we laugh it off and go about our day.

Sometime around 5 he comes back in. At this point there are about ten of us in the store. My employee Eric is helping our friend Dave work on a new deck so they are pretty deep in a conversation when the guy comes back. He makes a lap of the store, looks in the showcase again and then stops and looks Eric right in the eye and says “Yeah, but if you take Intrepid Hero and change all the words it takes what you just said and throws it out the window!” and he walks out the door. We all kind of stare at one another for a few minutes and let it go. (Side note, Intrepid Hero is a Magic card but it was not one of the cards being discussed.) We all give each other “WTF?” looks and just go on with what we were doing.

15 or 20 minutes later he comes back in, does his lap around the store and once again looks Eric in the eye and says somewhat forcefully “Yeah, but what about the GREEN decks?” and walks out the door. At this point we are split down the middle. Half of us think this dude is just fucking with us and the other half think he’s on drugs.

15 minutes later and he strolls in again. He does his lap and he starts talking loudly at the far end of the store, never breaking stride. “Papa John’s will no longer be the official pizza sponsor of the NFL, Pizza Hut will be. You know how I know? I’m Roger Goodell, commissioner of the NFL! Don’t believe me? Look it up online. You’ll find my picture. I can be anybody I wanna be. You know how I know? Role playing games!” and he walked right out the door.

At this point Eric says, “I’m calling the police!” I head to the bar next door to ask the bartender Red if he’s seen the guy. Red says nope but he’ll keep an eye out. I head back to my store and Dave is outside with my friend Quinton. Neither of these guys are small. Dave is a former meth head who can dribble humans when he has to and Quinton is one of the only people in the world I have ever actually been afraid of. I’ve seen him break a windshield with a nickel and I have heard eye witness accounts of severe ass beatings he’s laid down over the years. Also, I helped bail him out the night he punched out a police dog. Long story…. anyway they are both standing outside the store looking around for the guy.

Dave asks if its ok with me if they tell him he’s not allowed in the store if/when he comes back. I said “of course!” and headed back inside to talk to Eric about what the cops said. While I’m inside talking to Eric Red came outside to see what was up just as the police officer got there. They knew each other so they stand in front of the bar talking about what’s going on when Dave and Q spot the dude and point him out to the cop. The officer says “Excuse me sir, can I talk to you for a minute?” the dude says “Nope.” and keeps on walking.

The cop tries to restrain him, as I said this dude is like 6’1” and the cop is like 5’5” so that didn’t work. Q said when both the officers feet left the ground he got the “Help me?” look and immediately grabbed the guy to try and keep him out of the store. He and Dave told him he wasn’t allowed to be in the store and he said “Frank Miller (the store owner) says I can come in here any time I want!”

Eric and I are standing by the counter when the door flies open and this guy comes through with Quinton in tow ranting like a lunatic the whole time. “I have been the chairman of Papa John’s for eight years and I KNOW they are KILLING people!” Q got his arm under the dude’s adams apple and picked him up off his feet and choke slammed him to the floor. When I heard the dude’s head bounce off the floor I thought we might be in trouble but he never stopped ranting about suing and police brutality and Papa John’s killing people. Quinton tells him “You picked the wrong night to come in here high” and the dude loses his mind. “I AM NOT ON DRUNGS! I DEMAND A BLOOD TEST RIGHT NOW!” At this point Q has the dude on his side and he’s holding one arm, the officer is holding the guys other arm and somehow Red got inside and is standing on the dude’s feet. The officer keeps telling the guy to roll over and finally Q gets pissed and says “This officer will not hurt you, but I will! Now turn over!” That seemed to do it because he went face down. The officer gets one cuff on and the guy starts struggling again so Q puts his thumb against the pressure point behind the guys ear and tells him to “Stop it!” to which the guys answers meekly “Yes sir.” Once they have him on the floor and cuffed he seemed completely calm. Serene even. The officer asks him “Have you ever been arrested?” and he gets irate again. “NO!” so then the officer asks “Have you ever been detained” and the guy answers, kind of exasperated like just thinking about it makes him tired, “I’ve been detained more times than I can count.” So the officer asks “What were you detained for?” and this bright young man answers, “uhhhh…. I would like to plead the 5th.” At this point the tension breaks and we all crack up. Three other officers show up and take him out to the curb. He looks at the black officer and says “I’m not riding anywhere with officer Dookie.” Luckily the cop had a good sense of humor and laughed it off. While the cops got statements the dude starts ranting again.

“I’m calling the Justice League! Batman and Superman will back me up!”

“I am a DEA agent and when I call my secret agent friends you will be sorry!”

I’m calling Dan Severin and he is going to come stomp a mudhole in all your asses!”

(he also threatened us with Tito Ortiz)

At some point in his ranting he also said he had Yellow Fever.


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