I apologize for the rambly nature of this post

Posted: April 13, 2010 in Random
Tags: , ,

I feel like I’ve given up on romance. I’ve always been the guy who made mixtapes, wrote bad poetry and brought the object of my affection flowers for no reason. Over the past four or five years of my marriage those things just stopped and I’ve recently started to examine why. I’ve stopped believing in “true love.” The thing that all great art is about, the reason songs get written and ordinary people become almost godlike in the eyes of us lesser beings just doesn’t exist. I found my “soul mate” and we just couldn’t make it work. Nearly fifteen years of love and happiness and surprise just kind of ended and I can’t really get a handle on why unless its just because love isn’t the answer. Is monogamy just wrong? Is being with one person forever an unnatural state that society has forced us into? Should I just hook up with random people until I die? Is loneliness fatal? I seem to have more questions than answers at the moment but I will keep looking. Right now I’m just feeling a little bit cynical.

I hope this isn’t it. As of two weeks ago I have completely sworn off marriage. I tried it. Twice. And both times it just didn’t work out. I want to believe in love, I really do but I just can’t figure out what it means anymore. I love my friends. Is that enough to sustain me?

On the flip side, I talked to a casual acquaintance online last week for an hour or so and when the conversation was over I felt really good about it and then started thinking too much. Were we flirting? Was it just a conversation about mutual likes and dislikes? What would happen if it were flirting? Am I an idiot? See, more questions. Up until now I would talk to someone and it was just talking. Now I talk to someone and I over think the conversation and make myself a little crazy. Is that single life? Is self doubt and gnawing uncertainty what I have to look forward to?

I’m rambling and I don’t think listening to Suzanne Vega while I write about love was a good idea.

So Amy and I are in a better place emotionally than we have been in years. We are great friends who we have learned can talk to one another about anything. Its a little odd to talk to the woman who has shared your life for so long about the girl you hooked up with but we are odd people. We’ve had several conversations about how I should get out there and date as much as possible without getting into a relationship. I have traditionally been a serial monogamist but she thinks (and I agree) that I need to go out and have some fun. Relive those “free” years that I completely skipped over. Then she mentioned boys. My “bi” revelation a few years ago was one of the things that I feel led to the dissolution of my marriage and while she disagrees she has made it a point to tell me that I need to date some men at some point. The problem with that is I have NO idea how to go about doing something like this. The closest I’ve come to a gay club is multiple watchings of Queer as Folk. My other problem is my work schedule. Monday is pretty much my only day that is completely my own. Tuesday is my day with the kids to go places and do things and the rest of the week is spent at work and while I don’t have a particularly difficult job my hours are long and I sometimes don’t get a lot of sleep on the weekends so even though I’m usually home by 7:00 on a Sunday, I’m too tired to do anything.

I have come up with a plan to get some exercise, lose some weight and hang out with more people. My nephew is 25 and lives in Carytown and gets off work at around 3:30 on Monday afternoon. Yesterday I played my first round of Disc Golf and it was pretty awesome. Of course, my entire body is sore from the walking and throwing as I am unaccustomed to doing any kind of physical exertion but it was a great time. The plan is to go to the park and play every Monday and play some disc golf.

One last thing. My first post at GayRVA.com went up today!

  1. homeslice says:

    it is weird, isn’t it? my current theory on marriage is that it is an unnatural state, based on property rights, but i also sound like gloria steinem when i say things like that. i personally think that i am unable to find one person who fills the really important needs, and i’ve always supplemented with tons of friends. which means i end up loving my friends more. it’s a problem.

    although technically i’m not doing this right now, i hope to go through a phase of serial non-monogamy soon. i’m like you – never really done that before. and maybe i’ll even jump the fence one day. a lesbian friend tells me she’s “waiting for me to evolve”. me too, apparently.

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