This was written last year…

Posted: October 21, 2009 in Non Fiction

Three years four months twenty-two days should have been enough time. I thought going in that I would be okay but the smell of new paint and furniture in the rest of the house wasn’t enough to mask her scent in the one room that hadn’t been remodeled yet. Most of her belongings had already been taken away, boxed up or thrown out before I could even set foot in the house let alone her room. What lay before me were the remnants of her life. Tiny porcelain treasures she had collected over decades from all over the country. Most of the places these bits of kitsch heralded she had never seen but she loved them all the more because of what they represented. Family and friends would bring back souvenirs from whatever place they may have gone. Some she had acquired on her own; South of the Border SC, Saltville VA, Jacksonville FL, but mostly they were loving tributes to the quiet force of love hidden in the background of our lives. Like the hum at a power station, her love and spirit was always there, a constant in a broken world.

I wrapped these pieces hastily with old newspaper and stuffed them into boxes with pictures of tomatoes on them. Ironic that her favorite possessions were being filed away in boxes that used to contain her favorite vegetable (or is it fruit?). My rough packing and quiet quickness were necessary to get through the ordeal. For days a storm had been building in my gut, a tumult that threatened to consume me and destroy all in my path. Rage and grief that I though had passed into a dull throbbing, noticeable but easy to ignore when the day to day ordeal of living life made such a thing possible, leapt back into sharp focus. I thought these days were behind me. I wished for a release from my painful introspection and for a while the black noise of despair and sorrow had silenced. Where does this leave me? Will I fall down again, wallowing pathetically? Can I fight it off able as I am to see it?

Three years four months twenty-two days just wasn’t enough time.

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